100 LOCKERS IN HERE AND I’M STUCK NEXT TO YOU?

While working out at the gym it dawned on me that if there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. It doesn’t matter how busy the gym is, this will be inevitable.

The question I asked myself was what type of people could I be forced to share the gym let alone the locker room with and I came up with a simple list of my top ten most annoying people at the gym. This list does not necessarily cover every person at the gym but the people who are most recognizable:

1. The GRUNTER: No matter what the weight is, this person must grunt or make an annoying sound as they lift weights. They tend to slam weights down as if they just lifted a car off of a dying child.

2. The DIVA: This girl shows up in the best clothes possible, with make-up on, and tends to gossip and seek attention from males in the gym rather than actually work out. She probably doesn’t even need to exercise but goes to the gym b/c she likes to wear spandex in front of The JERSEY WHORE.

3. The MAN IN THE MIRROR: This person thinks lifting weights instantaneously transforms fat into muscle so they constantly look at themselves in the mirror posing and flexing as if the last 5 minutes just turned them into Mr. America.

4. The GYM RAT: This person seemingly loves to work out but in reality they have no life. This person spends 4 hours in the gym when they could have accomplished the same workout in ¼ of the time.

5. The COURT GENERAL: This person comes to play a sport: basketball, tennis, racquetball, etc… They arrive early and stay late. They have the latest and best gear from headbands to shoes to wristbands and believe that they run the show. They don’t care about people waiting their turn and just take over the court like they actually own it.

6. The SWEATY GUY: This person sweats just standing in the gym. Their perspiration sticks to every piece of machinery or weight they touch and makes other patrons feel like they need a bath in bleach after sharing the weight room with them.

7. The NAKED OLD GUY: This guy is a senior citizen who still goes to the gym and walks around the locker room as if clothes went out of style. His sagging degenerating body are flaunted around the room without any coverage (including a towel) and there is no way to avoid seeing this ungodly sight. Blind vision may possibly persist for hours afterwards.

8. The JERSEY WHORE: This guy comes in smelling of tanning oil and hair gel. He spends most of the time talking to females in the gym or staring at his new orangeness in the mirror. His goal is to be cool, not necessarily in shape.

9. The CELL PHONE EXERCISER: This person is constantly on their phone talking, texting, tweeting, or whatever they can do to occupy their time while running on a treadmill. They breathe harder than everyone else because they are talking rather than exercising. They are so loud that people next to them are forced to turn up their headphones or put a headband on just to drown out their blabbing.

10. The FAIRWEATHER RESOLUTIONER: Shy and overweight, they are extremely determined from the get-go. That lasts for about a week. Usually found in pairs, usually a mother/daughter, husband/wife, a left and a right shoe, etc., they work out as hard as they can for a couple of days and do not return. The cycle then repeats itself the following year, but the crying continues for a lifetime.

It’s just too bad we don’t have coed locker rooms ’cause she (below) could share lockers with me any day…


EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME. EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU

There isn’t a person in the US who hasn’t experienced stadium, arena, theater, airpline style seating where there are aisle seats and inside seats.

I intentionally try to choose aisle seats as a matter of convenience and comfort while there are others out there who simply don’t care what seat they sit in so long as they have a seat. I like the convenience of being able to stretch my legs out in the aisle rather than have them jammed behind some kid rocking in his seat like he just jumped on the Matterhorn rollercoaster at Disneyland. When I unfortunately am forced to sit in an inner seat rather than an aisle seat it’s as if my bladder decided to shrink to the size of a pea. The impending result is either I sit in discomfort until I can no longer wait or constantly get up while also annoying the people sitting in my same row next to me. I can’t help but think as I pass by saying “Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Thank you..” should I be giving them the crotch or the ass; i.e. should I put my ass in their face as I scurry by or should I put my crotch in their face; for me I think it just depends on how cute the girl is I am passing by through the aisle.

There are a number of things that annoy us in these settings like crying babies, people talking too loud, late arrivers, and fat people who take over your armrest and should technically pay for two seats… This has led me to realize that if it annoys me that much then there must be a pattern to which I now call The RULE OF ARENA STYLE SEATING.

The RULE OF ARENA STYLE SEATING states: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance/game is over. The folks in the aisle seats are very surly; they come early, never move once, have long legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance/game well after everyone has left.


ROCK CLIMBING FOR EXPERTS

Is the grass greener on the other side? Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Curious people are willing to climb over the wall and see. Others are more conservative and accept what they have. The US/Mexico border is a perfect example. In fact, people don’t just climb the wall, they dig tunnels underneath to see what kind of grass grows here in the US. If they make it to Humboldt County, CA then the grass is as green as an Emerald Triangle…

Apparently, this guy decided to see if the grass was greener on the other side as well, but the comment under the pic itself says it all…


WHOOT WHOOT! THAT’S THE SOUND OF THE GRAMMAR POLICE!

When I was studying for my Undergraduate degree, a rival Fraternity of ours printed the word “your” rather than “you’re” on the back of their rush t-shirt. You can imagine the hilarity that ensued. Rival fraternities constantly mocked them for the simple fact that the two words mean different things entirely. My fellow brothers and I to this day still look back and laugh at the lack of intelligence that was demonstrated by that Fraternity. Some of my brothers (for T-Bo) go so far as to make sure that if you grammatically post something wrong or spell something wrong somewhere online they will let you know and make sure you edit your post or comment. As I was scouring over pics and videos to write posts this week, I ran across this conversation:

Daniel, is obviously a member of the infamous Grammar Police. Sad thing is he was write…

*right…


TRUE LOVE

Someone once said, “love conquers all.” Apparently the dude wasn’t rich and had to make up what “wealthy” meant to him. Many people have adopted this philosophy of love equalling wealth and enjoy sharing their love for another with the rest of the world. I recently found this pic and thought to myself, “Doesn’t this attest to true love?” Whoever came up with that phrase must be the Nostradamus of love if he foresaw this:

They give these to people with multiple drinking offenses, either DUI’s or Public Intoxications. This couple must have really known how to party, but not how to not get caught. At least they don’t need to get matching wedding rings…they already have matching bracelets…


I LOVE ME SOME ME

Terrell Owens while walking up and down the sidelines once coined the phrase, “I love me some me!” The boisterous wide receiver had no problem letting the world know what he not only liked but loved: himself. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with someone liking themself; however, lately it seems as if there is a trend of liking things that make no sense.

Just look at the most famous of all social networks, Facebook. You can post comments or status updates and after they have been posted, the “like” tab appears. For non-Facebook users, that is when other people are allowed to click on the tab indicating that they liked your comment or status update. But, some Facebook users have gone a little too far. They post their comments and then when the “like” tab appears, they “like” their own comment. That’s like giving yourself a high-five every time you think you said something brilliant. We already know you like your comment. You already said it. No need to pat yourself on the back; that’s what others are supposed to be there for.



Another example was just yesterday as I was walking around on campus. I noticed a student wearing a bright purple t-shirt with the slogan in large print on the front “I Love Haters”, similar to the pic above and just like the “I Love NY” shirts made so famous in the 1980s. I walked up to the student and said, “That’s rather narcissistic of you.” And to my surprise (hint: sarcastic tone here), he said “huh?” He didn’t get it. If you’re so into yourself that you have to think people hating you is a good thing just goes to show you’re a moron and probably should have been swallowed by a live tiger at birth.

 My last example here (and there are many more – I just don’t want to make this post a novel – but if you have an example please comment), is the trend of wearing t-shirts and wristbands that say “I love boobies!” I understand it’s for a good cause, Breast Cancer Awareness, but girls wearing anything that says “I love boobies” just seems a little unnecessary and guys wearing the same seems “immature and almost creepy.” Just imagine if every September, which is Prostate Cancer Awareness month, guys and girls walked around with shirts and wristbands saying “I love balls” or “I love testicles”. Support the cause…we get the point when you simply say “support breast cancer awareness,” but don’t make a mockery of a very important health concern.
 

Ultimately, this recent trend of liking absurd things does not make sense. Step back for a second and ask yourself, “Do I like stupid things?” If you answer yes, then you probably shouldn’t admit/publicize it. Nobody needs to know you like Jersey Shore because if they do, they probably feel sorry for you almost as much as they do for the entire cast of that show.   

 


ONE WORD…LIMIT

People always complain about drivers who go too slow. I want to complain about drivers who go too fast. When there is a speed LIMIT in a certain area it is based on research made by your state department of transportation. If the speed limit posted is 70mph, then that means no driver should go faster than 70mph!!! It doesn’t mean the fast lane is meant for people who want to break the law. The fast lane means go 70mph at the most in this lane. Speeding deaths in Australia equate to 40% of traffic related deaths. In the United States, speeding-related crashes resulted in 13,192 fatalities in 2004. (National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, NHTSA, 2005). The economic costs of crashes that involved excessive speed were $40.4 billion, representing 18 percent of total crash costs and an average cost of $144 for every person in the United States. (NHTSA, 2002). http://www.saferoads.org/speeding  

I propose that for every mile over the limit a person speeds they must pay $100 in fines. We have limits for drinking while driving and statistics show that speeding is just as unsafe so we must enforce laws that have the same connection. I guarantee that a person driving 10mph over a 70mph speed limit would think twice the next time they consider speeding because of that $1000 fine they just had to pay.


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