SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE ARE SIGNS…

Sometimes it baffles me how little attention people pay to details. Simplifying things does not always equate to better results. Just think of “fast-food”. I’m sure it is much faster to order food from a fast-food restaurant than it is to cook a similar meal at home, but that has a lot to do with the preparation of the meal rather than the cooking itself. And, in all reality the impact on your health is much worse if you order fast-food regularly rather than cook at home; just like the documentary Super Size Me demonstrated. While this may seem to be a post about healthy eating it is actually about the attention to details rather than the oversimplification of society. While driving home the other night I noticed signs posted by our very own Department of Transportation that stood out and made me wonder did anyone consider editing or contacting the Grammar Police before posting these signs. As a result I came up with a list of some of my favorite signs that seemingly lacked attention to detail.

7. Shouldn’t this be at Exit 420?

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6. When was the last time anyone used a circular bomb with a wick as if we were Captain Jack and the Pirates of the Caribbean? But did they really have to add the midgets too?

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5. This must be a new form of soccer hooliganism.

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4. If I die instantly, who pays the fine? “Obamacare” is my guess.

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3. Really? I never knew rain made it wet outside. I thought asphalt was a natural sponge.

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2. Not all children are the same, but do we really need to point out the negatives? I think it’s pretty disrespectful to point out children that may have limited or deficient abilities compared to other kids their age. Shouldn’t it say “Slow. Children at Play” rather than “Slow Children at Play.”

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1. Did Clark Kent become Superman while running across the Freeway? I have never once in my life seen a family run across a freeway. The implication that people cross highways for freedom is practically ironic considering the word freeway is almost the same as the word freedom itself. This picture is seen in many border states to Mexico with a male dragging a female and then a child flying in the air as if Superman was just born.

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MITT ROMNEY WEARS TIGHTY WHITEYS!

New Rule! Mott Romney has to stop asking Americans if they are better off today than they were 4 years ago. How about this Romney? Release your taxes from the last 2 years so we can see if YOU are better off today than you were 4 years ago. If you can say you are not better off then you need to shut the hell up, quit asking that absurd question, and change your magic underwear.
 
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URBAN DICTIONARY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT MEAN MUGGING REALLY IS…BUT GRACIE JIU-JITSU DOES…

MMA fighter Renzo Gracie is a Gracie Barra Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt and a two-time ADCC Submission Wrestling World Championship gold medalist. Are you scared yet? I know many of my readers are going, “who the hell is he?” Well, he comes from a long line of Gracie fighters. His family practically invented Jiu-Jitsu and made the UFC what it is today. His family created the Jiu-Jitsu that I am taking currently as well so he essentially is not the guy you want to mug on a Thursday night in New York City. Unfortunately that’s what happened, allegedly, and Renzo added insult to the injuries by tweeting the entire thing on his Twitter account.

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Although we are not supposed to believe everything we read on the internet, the tweets are quite thorough but don’t provide a lot of context, so depending on your point of view, one of two things happened:

1. Renzo foiled an attempted mugging by incapacitating one of the muggers, humiliated him and got a picture on his phone before chasing down the second guy, putting the fear of God in him and heading home unharmed. This version makes Renzo look like real life’s Batman, dishing out justice to street thugs with extreme prejudice. At some point you expect him to shoot a grappling gun at the sky and zip away.

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2. Two guys on the street asked Renzo for a cigarette. He responded by beating the shit out of them for no reason. He even drove his car around the block to find the guy who’d run away, choked him out three times, punched him in the eyes while he was unconscious and blogged the entire thing on his Twitter like a proud, psychopathic creep. It’s almost like that scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman pretends like he’s going to help a hobo before berating and stabbing him to death.

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Ultimately the lesson learned here is that there is always someone out there stronger, faster, quicker, smarter, and obviously in this situation more bad-ass than you…next time you think about mugging someone, you may want to remember my new definition of MEAN MUGGING.


MY BEARD MAKES ME LOOK TOUGH…SO I HEAR

This may come to a surprise to people because vanity has always been my favorite sin where looks are really important to me; however, growing a beard is just too easy. Since I’ve been growing my beard out for a while now and plan on growing it for as long as I possibly can, I always find it funny when another man has a harder time growing a real beard than the lady that lives next door to me. So, I have decided that this post will be entirely dedicated my top 5 beards of today. I give respect to all those cavemen who “grew the way”, but now is our time.

5. Willie Nelson (the red headed stranger always knows how low to grow his beard and how high to keep his mind)

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4. Ryan Gosling (dude gets all the ladies…you have got to give him props because according to Emma Stone he is photo shopped)

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3. James Harden (fear the beard)

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2. Opie (a real son of anarchy that will always make you Remember the Titans)

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1. Me (of course)

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A WOMAN PRESIDENT? UH OH, IS SOMEBODY GOING TO HIDE THE RED BUTTON?

In 2008 we saw the election of our 43rd white President of the United States. Some people would like to believe it is our first non-white President, but yet I disagree. He is our first mixed African-American/white President. Barack Obama is just as much white as he is non-white. Others like Donald Trump are so blinded by political ideology that he even thinks we elected our first non-American born President. With that mentality no wonder so many of Trump’s businesses have gone bankrupt. With the 2012 elections almost near and the Conventions coming to a close this week, the First Lady Michelle Obama’s speech on 9/4/12 at the Democratic National Convention made me wonder when we might have our first female President.

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Females in this country have long been underrepresented in government positions and as elected officials. Jeannete Rankin fought to become the first female Congresswoman and Nancy Pelosi was just not too long ago finally appointed to the highest position in Congress as Speaker of the House. Condoleeza Rice and Hillary Clinton have both served in high ranking positions under Bush and Obama, respectively, but this begs to wonder if this is really true representation for women in the United States. Are Americans really that scared of a minority President or a female President? Obama was elected and racial tensions have not exaggerated to Ted Nugent style war. Would electing a female President be so bad? Much of the rest of the world has already elected females as their top government officials, but the United States has not. If we are the bastion of freedom and equality throughout the world, why have we only nominated women as Vice Presidential nominees yet not elect one as a VP nor as President. Are redneck Americans really scared of a female President? Do Americans really believe that a female is more likely to press the red button as the old joke goes or are we just becoming increasingly more ignorant about diversity as if our country is Benjamin Button going back in time rather than FORWARD (had to throw in the Obama motto for 2012 somehow of course)?

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If we are to advance in society we must all be treated equally…including Republicans in spite of their absurd views like Akin and his ninja warriors preventing rape pregnancies in the womb. In fact, I respect Republicans and their views, no matter how wrong they are. The other political parties have to beat someone in election campaigns so it might as well be the Tea Baggers. At the end of the day, I wonder who would win an election and become the first female President if only women could run for election today. Based on contemporary politics, on one side you have Hillary Clinton vs. Michelle Obama and on the other you have Sarah Palin vs. Condoleeza Rice. I know who I would pick if I was a female…do you?

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ARE THEY ASIAN OR JUST 80 YEARS OLD? ARE MEN REALLY BETTER DRIVERS?

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We have all experienced the driver who drives to slow in the fast lane and many of us always ask ourselves “are they Asian or old?” Statistically, Asians excel in school greater than any other ethnicity in the U.S., but when Asians get behind the wheel it seems as if they just found themselves in a box of kryptonite hindering their ability to press the pedal on the right. And when you drive past to find it’s an 80 year old Asian behind the wheel most of us, if not already 80 or Asian, shake our head like we just have been diagnosed with a nervous twitch.

While the majority of this post is not entirely related to Asian drivers or 80 year old drivers, it is loosely connected to generalizing groups of drivers. Recently, the city of Triberg, Germany engaged in a publicity stunt featuring “women only” parking spaces and has sparked an international furor. “Gallus Strobel, the mayor of Triberg, Germany introduced “easy” parking spots for women in a public-parking garage that are wider and have better lighting. The 12 spaces are painted with the international symbol for women. Two “men only” spots have concrete pillar hazards and can be accessed only by reversing. The action, which was supposed to increase tourism in the town, has drawn accusations of sexism.” I say nonsense. We all know men prefer to fit in tight spots so this doesn’t surprise me.

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While Triberg was once known best as the home of the world’s biggest cuckoo clock, some think it may now be home to the biggest cuckoo Mayor.

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“Ironically, a recent study out of Britain found that women are better at parking than men. An analysis of drivers across England gave women a score of 13.4 out of 20 compared with 12.3 for men. Parking technique, accuracy and time were evaluated in the study by NCP, a parking-garage company. However, women are slower than men at parking — taking an average of 21 seconds, compared with 16 for men, the study found.” Slow and steady always wins the race.

“The Triberg mayor griped that people who were offended by the female-only parking spots had no sense of humor. He may have gotten the idea from planners in the Chinese city of Tianjin. They recently introduced parking spots that only women are allowed to use. They are generally wider, better lit — and marked with pink paint.” Which begs the questions: 1) Women are really allowed to drive in China? And 2) How big are the cars in China? For a country known for hating giving birth to a female since only one child is allowed per family, it almost shocks me they let females drive. I thought that’s why they immigrate to America…for freedom to drive…and to drive an SUV so that when they crash, not if they crash, they will likely survive while rolling on dubs.

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CAN I BUY ROLLERBLADES WITH A CHECK PLEASE?

In 2005, when I first moved to hell (I mean Oklahoma) the first thing I realized is that Oklahoma was a decade behind the rest of the country. The heat is unbearable & the weather unpredictable in OK, but nothing baffled me more than the fact that people still used rollerblades and wrote checks at the store.

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You could go to any restaurant, eat dinner, and then pay with a check. Having lived in California for 25 years prior to my move to OK, it made no sense to me that this was allowed in OK considering that practice ended in CA circa 1980’s. Over the last 7 years OK has still evolved slower than molasses. Rollerblades have faded out for the most part, but you still see people using them from time to time. Most restaurants no longer accept personal checks, but that doesn’t mean you can’t write a check elsewhere in OK.

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Today, I went to buy a bag of dog food only and as I stood in the one open lane the person ahead of me proceeded to start to write a check to pay for their goods. As the cashier was running the check, the line behind me grew from 3 people to 10. Paying with a check takes ten times longer than paying with cash or a debit/credit card, so my patience started to grow thinner and thinner. The lady behind me who was likely in her 60’s or 70’s started to gripe and as she did so the cashier said “I’m sorry, your check has been declined.”

With only one lane open steam came from my head like a teapot about to prepare tea. The cashier ran the check again, but again to no avail. It took me 2 minutes to grab dog food and stand in line, but now I’ve been in the store for over 15 minutes because some moron decided not to use cash or a card. In replacement of the check, the purchaser attempted to use a card. Why the hell didn’t you use it the first time I thought? But then the card was declined as well. Buying a simple bag of dog food led to a 25 minute standing in line and as I’ve always said, if patience is a virtue then I am not virtuous.  

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The purchaser just wasted my time and my frustration had grown to a tipping point. I paid for my dog food and left, but suggest for those of you who use checks in stores: don’t be “that guy” and piss a whole store of customers off. As for the store, open another damn lane. Why have 25 lanes when only one is open and there are workers all over the place? As Monday Night Football would say, “Come on Man!” This is 2012 not 1982. For goodness sake, make the old guy sitting at the front door saying hello to everyone be useful and learn to use a register.

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