THE USAIN BOLT OF BEER TAPS…

When I think of fast, I think of Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest man. I think of Superman, the HTC EVO phone, Speedy Gonzalez, and the sexual prowess of a 13 year old. However, I do not think of a beer tap. I’ve ordered more beers than I can recall in my short lifetime and most beer taps are not fast. Most beer taps produce more head than a porn star; especially at places like Buffalo Wild Wings where a 23 oz. beer becomes a 16 oz. beer with foam.

However, the people of Boston, the home of Samuel Adams and one of America’s most historic cities has found a way to speed things up. Boston is the home of where apparently if you go to the right place everyone knows your name (Cheers) and you can get your beer filled faster than the speed of light.

The Boston Red Sox have come up with an innovative product where beer cups have a hole cut out in the bottom, with a magnetic ring around the whole. The discs in the bottom of the cup (which can often be used as advertisements) are actually magnets. When the cup is placed on the dispenser, it pushes the disc up, and the machine fills up the beer (it knows how much to put in). When the cup is lifted, the magnet snaps back in to place and the cup is sealed! See for yourself… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiu_IX14wLI&feature=player_embedded


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I GOT A DIRTY MIND…I GOT FILTHY WAYS…

Most people who are my friends know I love Kanye West’s music…My favorite President is Slicky Willy…and “if you want to go to heaven when you die, you must keep the red Manchester United flag flyin’ high.” Well one of my favorites on that list, Kanye West, and that vixen of a women, Katy Perry, teamed up and provided us with an awesome duo. By the way, if Kanye stole Taylor’s microphone, does that mean she’s really not Swift?

Kanye Beats + Katy’s hook and sex appeal = GOLD and the kind that glitters. Check out the next hit ET (aka Supernatural): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OehxXNCYvTM


THE BEST HAMBURGER IN AMERICA



Health.com recently announced its’ list of 50 fattiest foods in the U.S.  No surprise, since American diets are horrendous nowadays. People eat what is available and what is fast. We eat gigantic portions that leave us feeling like we are about to have a food baby. Americans are just getting too big. Turn on the tv and watch “the Biggest Loser” if you don’t agree. I admit life is short so we do have the right to indulge, but in moderation.

Having lived in California most my life, I was blessed with the opportunity to regularly eat the best hamburgers in America and now that hamburger has made it on this list: http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20393387_6,00.html.

Most Americans won’t care, nor will I. The list is very insightful and many of the foods look just plain fattening, but the “Double-Double” will always be on my mind, in my heart, and wind up in my stomach. If you have never been to an In-n-Out franchise then you are missing out on the best fast-food establishment in America. They pay their employees well above their counterparts. Everything you eat at their place is fresh, from veggies to French Fries (the potatoes are cut on site), and the “not so secret” menu is a pure marketing success (In-N-Out has an unbelievably simple menu, yet there is more that meets the eye)…see for yourself here: http://www.in-n-out.com/secretmenu.asp rather than the menu you see below in every franchise.

I prefer my French Fries “Animal Style”…French Fries, grilled onions, and special sauce (all thousand island-like)…you should try them if you ever get the chance…and freeze and ship some to me while you’re at it…

Just goes to show, the West Coast does it right…


THE RACIST IN ME

I always find humor in race. Racial and cultural stereotypes should be embraced, accepted, and laughed about. My own race has plenty to laugh at.

Just ask Carlos Mencia who so brilliantly points out “White people will go on safaris. They will throw blood in the water just to swim with sharks. They will travel to the deepest depths of the ocean to find the most dangerous animals, but they won’t go to Oakland because a “ninja – i.e. insert racist term for black male” might shoot them.” Pure genius.

I was once told that if I can’t laugh about myself then I shouldn’t laugh at others. I couldn’t agree more. In fact, there is so much humor in me and about me that I would make a Comedy Central Roast a mini-series. Personally, I have never seen people as unequal because of their race, but I definitely see that we are obviously different. Lately, one group of people has scared me out of my senses. I think these people are a detriment to our society and impair my vision and probably yours if you’re not color blind.  

Orange people are rapidly growing in numbers. Humans are meant to have a variety of pigmentations…orange however, is not one of them. We must free these heathens of their evil ways and purify the world from “Sunkistitis”. We must stop this before it is too late.

My plan:

1)      Start with males and make sure they know men should not go to tanning booths. If men do insist to still go, tell them it shrinks their “mojo” and turns them into Richard Simmons.

2)      Tell females tanning makes you fat.

Problem solved.


WHO WOULD JESUS DO?

Islam followers have been growing in numbers over the last decade more so than ever before. It is a very patriarchic religion where men have control and women must be submissive. Even in death, Muslims are supposed to receive 99 bottles of beer on the wall or 72 virgins. Do they not realize one woman is hard enough to handle, let alone 72. It just doesn’t make sense, or does it Mormons?

Recently, Christians have found less people are attending church regularly and the atheist/agnostic population in the United States is growing rapidly to 10-13% (if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands). In fact, there are studies showing a correlation between education and religiosity: the more educated you are the less religious you are. So why do all the educated and smart people not believe in unproven hypotheses and yet the rest of the world does? It’s like the song from Motown…”Do you believe in magic?” And apparently everyone in the United States wants to raise their hand.

Regardless of my opposition to organized religion, I found the marketing scheme of Christians recently quite intriguing…View this link to see what I mean : Marketing for God 



I guess that answers who…no wonder people are always asking “what” would jesus do? I guess we already know who…


THE WORLD’S BEST DRUMMER…

MEET MR. BARKER…



Some people remember him from the MTV show. Fans know him from Blink-182 (a band I remember seeing in high school before Travis joined). But, real fans know him from the Aquabats (a band also saw before Travis left). There are just times when you think about the best in the world and after seeing the drums become so popular lately, next to the piano it seems, I wanted to remind people who the world’s best drummer is. Disagree, well let’s just say you’re wrong and leave it at that. In fact, just ask yourself this question, could your drummer provide multiple beats “forever” Drake style?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi2dv4f8P9s&feature=fvst


CHARLIE SHEEN TO PLAY FOR THE LA GALAXY…WHY NOT?

 

I used to be a fan of Chad Johnson…not so much anymore. Mr. Ego changed his name to “ochocinco” and is now changing it back after the name had served its’ purpose according to Mr. Johnson. His progression from entertaining, impressive, exceptional wide receiver who called cornerbacks out for their failures to a no touchdown dancing reality love tv star who played second fiddle last year to T.O. (the guy who literally “loves me some me”) is sad yet hilarious.

The dude can talk and chicks dig him but after all of his gab, with no gift of such, he takes another leap of irrational faith…He accepts a tryout with MLS team Kansas City…The dude is a wide receiver in the NFL…is he afraid the lockout might last longer and he needs another job? I hope he tries out for Goalie since those are the only people that use their hands on the pitch. Or maybe he is trying to be the Tony Meola of the NFL.

http://www.montrealgazette.com/sports/Bengals+wide+receiver+Chad+Ochocinco+builds+another+buzz+with+tryout/4482427/story.html

Now I know he likes the sport, but so do I more than 90% of Americans. I played second fiddle and rode the bench more often than not to much better players and some worse while I was in college. And this guy gets a nod for a tryout? Really? Is the MLS in need of that much attention? The MLS needs to focus on soccer rich communities…Columbus, Seattle, Salt Lake, Los Angeles come to mind as great examples…along with San Diego (who doesn’t have a team but should have one…ahem..hence it would be nice to see the San Diego Sockers FC outdoors…maybe Zoltan could coach too).

Ultimately, if you want the public’s attention of your league MLS, then I suggest LA Galaxy offer Charlie Sheen a tryout…or Lindsay Lohan so long as she wears that white dress…

Let the boys kick it out and earn their spots regardless of their last name (whatever it may be this month)…just don’t make a mockery of my sport!!!