SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE ARE SIGNS…

Sometimes it baffles me how little attention people pay to details. Simplifying things does not always equate to better results. Just think of “fast-food”. I’m sure it is much faster to order food from a fast-food restaurant than it is to cook a similar meal at home, but that has a lot to do with the preparation of the meal rather than the cooking itself. And, in all reality the impact on your health is much worse if you order fast-food regularly rather than cook at home; just like the documentary Super Size Me demonstrated. While this may seem to be a post about healthy eating it is actually about the attention to details rather than the oversimplification of society. While driving home the other night I noticed signs posted by our very own Department of Transportation that stood out and made me wonder did anyone consider editing or contacting the Grammar Police before posting these signs. As a result I came up with a list of some of my favorite signs that seemingly lacked attention to detail.

7. Shouldn’t this be at Exit 420?

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6. When was the last time anyone used a circular bomb with a wick as if we were Captain Jack and the Pirates of the Caribbean? But did they really have to add the midgets too?

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5. This must be a new form of soccer hooliganism.

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4. If I die instantly, who pays the fine? “Obamacare” is my guess.

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3. Really? I never knew rain made it wet outside. I thought asphalt was a natural sponge.

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2. Not all children are the same, but do we really need to point out the negatives? I think it’s pretty disrespectful to point out children that may have limited or deficient abilities compared to other kids their age. Shouldn’t it say “Slow. Children at Play” rather than “Slow Children at Play.”

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1. Did Clark Kent become Superman while running across the Freeway? I have never once in my life seen a family run across a freeway. The implication that people cross highways for freedom is practically ironic considering the word freeway is almost the same as the word freedom itself. This picture is seen in many border states to Mexico with a male dragging a female and then a child flying in the air as if Superman was just born.

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MITT ROMNEY WEARS TIGHTY WHITEYS!

New Rule! Mott Romney has to stop asking Americans if they are better off today than they were 4 years ago. How about this Romney? Release your taxes from the last 2 years so we can see if YOU are better off today than you were 4 years ago. If you can say you are not better off then you need to shut the hell up, quit asking that absurd question, and change your magic underwear.
 
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URBAN DICTIONARY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT MEAN MUGGING REALLY IS…BUT GRACIE JIU-JITSU DOES…

MMA fighter Renzo Gracie is a Gracie Barra Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt and a two-time ADCC Submission Wrestling World Championship gold medalist. Are you scared yet? I know many of my readers are going, “who the hell is he?” Well, he comes from a long line of Gracie fighters. His family practically invented Jiu-Jitsu and made the UFC what it is today. His family created the Jiu-Jitsu that I am taking currently as well so he essentially is not the guy you want to mug on a Thursday night in New York City. Unfortunately that’s what happened, allegedly, and Renzo added insult to the injuries by tweeting the entire thing on his Twitter account.

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Although we are not supposed to believe everything we read on the internet, the tweets are quite thorough but don’t provide a lot of context, so depending on your point of view, one of two things happened:

1. Renzo foiled an attempted mugging by incapacitating one of the muggers, humiliated him and got a picture on his phone before chasing down the second guy, putting the fear of God in him and heading home unharmed. This version makes Renzo look like real life’s Batman, dishing out justice to street thugs with extreme prejudice. At some point you expect him to shoot a grappling gun at the sky and zip away.

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2. Two guys on the street asked Renzo for a cigarette. He responded by beating the shit out of them for no reason. He even drove his car around the block to find the guy who’d run away, choked him out three times, punched him in the eyes while he was unconscious and blogged the entire thing on his Twitter like a proud, psychopathic creep. It’s almost like that scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman pretends like he’s going to help a hobo before berating and stabbing him to death.

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Ultimately the lesson learned here is that there is always someone out there stronger, faster, quicker, smarter, and obviously in this situation more bad-ass than you…next time you think about mugging someone, you may want to remember my new definition of MEAN MUGGING.


MY BEARD MAKES ME LOOK TOUGH…SO I HEAR

This may come to a surprise to people because vanity has always been my favorite sin where looks are really important to me; however, growing a beard is just too easy. Since I’ve been growing my beard out for a while now and plan on growing it for as long as I possibly can, I always find it funny when another man has a harder time growing a real beard than the lady that lives next door to me. So, I have decided that this post will be entirely dedicated my top 5 beards of today. I give respect to all those cavemen who “grew the way”, but now is our time.

5. Willie Nelson (the red headed stranger always knows how low to grow his beard and how high to keep his mind)

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4. Ryan Gosling (dude gets all the ladies…you have got to give him props because according to Emma Stone he is photo shopped)

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3. James Harden (fear the beard)

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2. Opie (a real son of anarchy that will always make you Remember the Titans)

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1. Me (of course)

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A WOMAN PRESIDENT? UH OH, IS SOMEBODY GOING TO HIDE THE RED BUTTON?

In 2008 we saw the election of our 43rd white President of the United States. Some people would like to believe it is our first non-white President, but yet I disagree. He is our first mixed African-American/white President. Barack Obama is just as much white as he is non-white. Others like Donald Trump are so blinded by political ideology that he even thinks we elected our first non-American born President. With that mentality no wonder so many of Trump’s businesses have gone bankrupt. With the 2012 elections almost near and the Conventions coming to a close this week, the First Lady Michelle Obama’s speech on 9/4/12 at the Democratic National Convention made me wonder when we might have our first female President.

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Females in this country have long been underrepresented in government positions and as elected officials. Jeannete Rankin fought to become the first female Congresswoman and Nancy Pelosi was just not too long ago finally appointed to the highest position in Congress as Speaker of the House. Condoleeza Rice and Hillary Clinton have both served in high ranking positions under Bush and Obama, respectively, but this begs to wonder if this is really true representation for women in the United States. Are Americans really that scared of a minority President or a female President? Obama was elected and racial tensions have not exaggerated to Ted Nugent style war. Would electing a female President be so bad? Much of the rest of the world has already elected females as their top government officials, but the United States has not. If we are the bastion of freedom and equality throughout the world, why have we only nominated women as Vice Presidential nominees yet not elect one as a VP nor as President. Are redneck Americans really scared of a female President? Do Americans really believe that a female is more likely to press the red button as the old joke goes or are we just becoming increasingly more ignorant about diversity as if our country is Benjamin Button going back in time rather than FORWARD (had to throw in the Obama motto for 2012 somehow of course)?

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If we are to advance in society we must all be treated equally…including Republicans in spite of their absurd views like Akin and his ninja warriors preventing rape pregnancies in the womb. In fact, I respect Republicans and their views, no matter how wrong they are. The other political parties have to beat someone in election campaigns so it might as well be the Tea Baggers. At the end of the day, I wonder who would win an election and become the first female President if only women could run for election today. Based on contemporary politics, on one side you have Hillary Clinton vs. Michelle Obama and on the other you have Sarah Palin vs. Condoleeza Rice. I know who I would pick if I was a female…do you?

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