IF I COULD BE ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD I WOULD BE DAVID BECKHAM – BUT NOT THIS SUMMER…I’D PREFER TO BE RYAN GIGGS

David Beckham has long been a favorite of mine since as long as I can remember. His brilliant free kicks inspired me as a young player to try to reach that same standard. His emotions sometimes get the best of him as we saw in England’s 1998 World Cup match against heated rival Argentina and in a recent match between his current club the L.A. Galaxy and the San Jose Earthquakes. He received red cards in both games for unsportsmanlike conduct to which those who played soccer with me growing up knew I might have gotten in a bit of trouble from time to time as well.

Image

In the last few years, Beckham spent much of his time campaigning for the Olympic Games to be held in London in 2012. As the Olympics are approaching, many can give credit to Beckham for his involvement in bringing the games to jolly old London. In fact, Beckham was just one of the carriers of the torch for his country which is a huge honor; however, Beckham was left off the Great Britain soccer team roster. Beckham insists he isn’t upset for being left off but admits he would like to have represented his home country in the 2012 Olympics.

Image

His absence reminds me of a joke I heard in 1998, after his red card against Argentina: What do England and Posh Spice have in common? They’ve both been screwed by Beckham. Karma must have finally come back to haunt Beckham as we can now say England screwed David Beckham back. At the end of the day, if I could be anyone else in the world I would be David Beckham. But, not this summer. He’ll be watching the games as a spectator as much as I will. I’m sure he’ll have much better seats than my couch, but I bet the slap that left him off the roster will be stinging him throughout the entire summer. Fans of Beckham like me feel it too; so here’s to Beckham, but at least we get to see the 40 year old Ryan Giggs in international play for the first time.  

 Image

Advertisements

JESUS WOULD NOT BELIEVE IN A HOLY WAR

Church congregations often become divided. Compromise usually resolves differences in religious interpretation, but sometimes churches choose a side. You do know your church’s problems have begun to spin out of control when they suck the majority of a city council meeting into the fray. It’s safe to say that Tabernacle Baptist Church in Oklahoma City has had some issues lately…but this shouldn’t come as a surprise as most of the “religulous” in America have issues as well – i.e. believing in ridiculous interpretations of the Bible written by 100s of unknown authors and altered for centuries. Isn’t that right King James?

According to an OKC city council meeting memo, “the matter started with an internal dispute at the church and escalated to a charge of disorderly conduct against the head deacon, then two complaints of assault and battery against the pastor, which were declined for prosecution. Two cross complaints of assault and battery between the pastor and head deacon are pending review.” I’m fairly certain Jesus would not resort to fisticuffs…he’d probably just march peacefully singing hymns of freedom and carrying a sign.

Since members of the city council had conflicts of interest regarding this matter (including one council member who attends that same church), absence of the mayor, and a recusal by one council member, quorum in a recent city council meeting was barely met to decide whether to appoint a special council to review the complaints and file charges if necessary. The District Attorney and Police Chief were willing to look into the matter if the council decided that was the best avenue of resolve. The two factions in this church holy war were well represented at the meeting and both agreed this was the best option. Well at least they can finally agree on something in the church besides letting pedophiles roam free and without reprimand.


I WANT CREDIT FOR KILLING OSAMA BIN LADEN TOO!!!

I’ve been waiting until I felt it was appropriate to chime in on the death of Osama bin Laden. I wanted to have all of the facts straight before commenting and as the week since his death has passed many interesting things have been brought to the public’s attention. According to the U.S. government, since 2001 the U.S. has given Pakistan $5.4 billion and to which 70% of it has been misused. The Pakistani government has consistently maintained that Pakistan had no knowledge of bin Laden’s whereabouts. But, how could they not? He was living in a million dollar compound larger than the neighboring homes with a 15 foot high surrounding wall down the street from Pakistan’s equivalent of America’s West Point. And please people, stop calling bin Laden’s compound a “mansion.” We’ve all seen the pictures. It looks like a Fraternity House. The compound is shaped like a large box with very few windows, trash strewn all over the place, used furniture from the 1970’s, and no internet (which is a shocker since even hell has Dial-Up Internet).

The Pakistani military’s best and brightest were just down the street less than a mile away from bin Laden’s compound. Expensive SUV’s rarely seen in that part of the country with tinted windows would come and go to and from bin Laden’s compound late in the evening. How could the Pakistani police not notice this odd behavior? When a tinted Escalade with 20” rims rolls through the burbs everyone notices, but Pakistani citizens and their police didn’t wonder what the same were doing in Abbottabodd. I call bullshit and don’t think we should be helping this country anymore if they are going to lie to our face and smile while doing it. Pakistan will soon be the fourth largest country in the world behind China, U.S., and India and this should be of great concern if we are funding a country of people who we cannot trust.

Some members of the media are even finding it hard to pronounce Osama bin Laden’s name. This week I heard on the news more times than I can count Osama’s name being mistakenly replaced with Obama. What does a guy have to do before people in this country recognize they are not the same person nor do they believe in the same religious fundamentalism? When the media report on white people like Jim Belushi, people don’t accidentally say “Tim” Belushi, so what gives?

The one similarity that Obama and Osama apparently do have is they both liked the devil’s lettuce. Obama is famously photographed smoking a joint in his younger years during college, and apparently a raid of Osama’s compound found that he was growing marijuana in his garden. Apparently, Osama liked to roll up a “Fatwa” too…

All in all, it took nearly 10 years for the U.S. military to find Osama bin Laden, but the deed is done. Now the question is who deserves the credit? I believe it was a job accomplished with the hands and minds of many Americans from day 1 of the search to bin Laden’s final moment. Some people do deserve more credit than others however, and people who believe Barack Obama does not deserve credit for this successful campaign need to do us all a favor and remove their head from their ass before making such an argument. I do not say that he deserves all the credit, but the vast majority of it and for people like Dick Cheney to say it was the work of George W. Bush’s administration is absurd. I mean should I say I deserve credit for something I didn’t do too?

George W. Bush played a 7 year game of Hide and Go seek with Osama bin Laden and lost. During George W. Bush’s administration, billions of dollars that came from hard working Americans was spent on a war in Afghanistan and a war in a country that had nothing to do with Osama bin Laden’s attacks on the U.S., suspected terrorists were tortured and illegally held in Guantanamo Bay, traveling in the U.S. by plane was altered drastically where civil liberties of Americans are constantly violated under the guise of safety and security, but Osama bin Laden was never caught.  However, just two years into Barack Obama’s presidency a brilliantly devised plan to catch and kill Osama bin Laden was orchestrated successfully with no errors or mistakes. And now people don’t want to give Obama credit? I mean, what does the guy have to do to prove he is on our side and should get most of the credit? First, he is forced to show his birth certificate to prove he is American and then he kills the world’s most wanted Islamic terrorist. To most people that would suffice, but the percentage of Americans who disagree can go jump off a bridge and save us all the trouble of paying for you to have “Obama-care”.  I’ll take my money spent on health care for Americans over it being spent on wars in the wrong countries any day of the week and you should too.


HE WHO FARTS IN CHURCH SITS IN OWN PEW…

We all pass by church signs on a regular basis no matter where you live in the U.S., but I’ve always wondered who comes up with the sayings on church signs. Do they always realize what they are publishing on their signs? Or are these authors just like members of the Tea Party who decided to go by the nickname “Tea Baggers” before realizing it had negative sexual connotations?  If you live in the Midwest like I do, then you pass a church sign after every block you drive; actually after every fast food restaurant you pass but then again there are multiple fast food restaurants on every block in Oklahoma than there are shitty songs sang by Taylor Swift, so I will just stick with my every block metaphor. Sometimes the slogans on these church signs baffle me. Here are my top 10:

10.When did the Baptists start following Catholic philosophy?

 9.Does religion = sexual ignorance?

8. Obviously this author didn’t win their 3rd grade spelling bee. In fact, wWhere is the Grammar police when you need them?

7. But it is much more entertaining. And what if I turn on my local evangelist? Dos LifeChurch on the internet count?

6. Really? Why don’t we just call them “colored” too…

5. If you don’t have all the letters, don’t try to minimize it like you’re a teenager texting her best friend.

ANAL does not = AN”NU”AL.

4. Is this Geometry class? That’s what mathematicians call a “GIVEN.” 

3. Poor Jews…Even Christian churches hate them…

2. I’m guessing this author is either female or a Catholic priest…and possibly Hindu if they went to hell and came back reincarnated to write this.

1.I love Cut and Paste…They’re just continuing the tradition set by King James and many others before him.


YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN OKLAHOMA IF…

It bothers you not one iota to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

Sure, we have all benefited from things Oklahomans have invented like the shopping cart, but it seems to me as if Oklahomans don’t always think about every little detail. Naming your airport after a man who died in a plane crash doesn’t necessarily make sense to logical people like me. Another example is the “Yield” sign. An Oklahoman invented this traffic sign, but you would be hard pressed to find an Oklahoman who actually knows what that means; just watch traffic merge onto the highways in Oklahoma and you will get my point. The parking meter was also invented by an Oklahoma citizen…thanks Asshole…now we all have to pay just to park. What’s next? The walking down my street meter?

Oklahomans can at least in some ways be proud of their first Men’s Professional Sports Franchise. Having only been a team in OKC for three years, the success of the team is something to boast about. Evolving from an opening season of 23 wins to back-to-back 50+ win seasons and consecutive playoff appearances is a magical feat. Sports fans don’t need to be reminded that OKC basically stole the team from Seattle. In fact, it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that we stole the Seattle Supersonics and brought them to OKC. We are a bit shady as a state. OKC tried stealing the New Orleans Hornets after Hurricane Katrina. The biggest University in the state of Oklahoma is named after a group of land run cheaters (The University of Oklahoma Sooners). And our state representatives like Sally Kern (who shockingly is a Republican) still publicly state (just last week) on the House floor during debate that she’s seen “a lot of people of color who didn’t study hard because they said the government would take care of them.” It makes me wonder who is doing the thinking around here. I can’t be the only one.  

As a Laker fan, I admittedly am impressed at the Thunder’s success, yet I do have to point out that there are some obvious problems the Oklahoma Thunder apparently didn’t think out in full detail when they brought the franchise to OKC; just like the people who named Oklahoma City’s Airport, Will Rogers International Airport. Here are my top 5 problems with the OKC Thunder:

#5: The Logo & Colors. According to majority owner Clay Bennett, the team’s logo takes several of its elements from other Oklahoma sports teams such as the collegiate Sooners and Coqboys. Say what? With the team colors set as Light Blue, Orange-Red, Navy, Gold, & White how can he make that statement? And then nothing says impressive basketball influenced by Oklahoma sports better than a blue and orange basketball morphed into a soaring isosceles triangle.

#4: The Arena: The Oklahoma City Arena, once known as the Ford Center, is currently unable to find a sponsor for the Arena. Nothing spells success like the inability to find a sponsor. Originally billed and marketed as a “state-of-the-art” facility, Oklahoma City Arena was actually constructed to minimum NBA and NHL specifications and without the luxury amenities because of local concerns on expenditures. It’s like sitting in an arena built for prisoners. The location is excellent but the building itself not so much. 

#3: The Name: When the team unveiled the name, I was literally speechless. Of all the possibilities and ties to Oklahoma roots, the OKC owners decide to choose a name that isn’t even tied to Oklahoma alone. Thunder exists everywhere. Sure, OK native Garth Brooks sang about it, but that doesn’t mean OK is the only place that has Thunder. Tornadoes are more relative to OK than Thunder is. I am not suggesting we should have chosen Tornadoes, but Thunder? Really?

#2: The Mascot: If you have seen the mascot then I don’t need to give much of an explanation here. “Rumble the Bison” was introduced in February of 2009 and one look at him says Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. The attempt to connect the mascot’s name with the team’s name (Rumble & Thunder) is rather weak and then to say the mascot is a bison is an illusion to the human eye. Bison were long eradicated from Oklahoma and to conjure up a name rooted in mass killings of bison is almost disgraceful.

#1: Car Flags: Towards the end of the 2010-11 Season I started noticing a growing trend in Oklahoma. Every other car on the freeway had an OKC Thunder car flag on it. Yes, this shows the great support of the team by Oklahoma citizens, but are car flags really the best way of showing this? Nothing says classy car accessories like car flags…not 20” rims…not tinted windows…car flags…

Well done Oklahoma…In the words of Ron Burgundy, “You stay classy (Oklahoma)”…


100 LOCKERS IN HERE AND I’M STUCK NEXT TO YOU?

While working out at the gym it dawned on me that if there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. It doesn’t matter how busy the gym is, this will be inevitable.

The question I asked myself was what type of people could I be forced to share the gym let alone the locker room with and I came up with a simple list of my top ten most annoying people at the gym. This list does not necessarily cover every person at the gym but the people who are most recognizable:

1. The GRUNTER: No matter what the weight is, this person must grunt or make an annoying sound as they lift weights. They tend to slam weights down as if they just lifted a car off of a dying child.

2. The DIVA: This girl shows up in the best clothes possible, with make-up on, and tends to gossip and seek attention from males in the gym rather than actually work out. She probably doesn’t even need to exercise but goes to the gym b/c she likes to wear spandex in front of The JERSEY WHORE.

3. The MAN IN THE MIRROR: This person thinks lifting weights instantaneously transforms fat into muscle so they constantly look at themselves in the mirror posing and flexing as if the last 5 minutes just turned them into Mr. America.

4. The GYM RAT: This person seemingly loves to work out but in reality they have no life. This person spends 4 hours in the gym when they could have accomplished the same workout in ¼ of the time.

5. The COURT GENERAL: This person comes to play a sport: basketball, tennis, racquetball, etc… They arrive early and stay late. They have the latest and best gear from headbands to shoes to wristbands and believe that they run the show. They don’t care about people waiting their turn and just take over the court like they actually own it.

6. The SWEATY GUY: This person sweats just standing in the gym. Their perspiration sticks to every piece of machinery or weight they touch and makes other patrons feel like they need a bath in bleach after sharing the weight room with them.

7. The NAKED OLD GUY: This guy is a senior citizen who still goes to the gym and walks around the locker room as if clothes went out of style. His sagging degenerating body are flaunted around the room without any coverage (including a towel) and there is no way to avoid seeing this ungodly sight. Blind vision may possibly persist for hours afterwards.

8. The JERSEY WHORE: This guy comes in smelling of tanning oil and hair gel. He spends most of the time talking to females in the gym or staring at his new orangeness in the mirror. His goal is to be cool, not necessarily in shape.

9. The CELL PHONE EXERCISER: This person is constantly on their phone talking, texting, tweeting, or whatever they can do to occupy their time while running on a treadmill. They breathe harder than everyone else because they are talking rather than exercising. They are so loud that people next to them are forced to turn up their headphones or put a headband on just to drown out their blabbing.

10. The FAIRWEATHER RESOLUTIONER: Shy and overweight, they are extremely determined from the get-go. That lasts for about a week. Usually found in pairs, usually a mother/daughter, husband/wife, a left and a right shoe, etc., they work out as hard as they can for a couple of days and do not return. The cycle then repeats itself the following year, but the crying continues for a lifetime.

It’s just too bad we don’t have coed locker rooms ’cause she (below) could share lockers with me any day…


EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME. EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU

There isn’t a person in the US who hasn’t experienced stadium, arena, theater, airpline style seating where there are aisle seats and inside seats.

I intentionally try to choose aisle seats as a matter of convenience and comfort while there are others out there who simply don’t care what seat they sit in so long as they have a seat. I like the convenience of being able to stretch my legs out in the aisle rather than have them jammed behind some kid rocking in his seat like he just jumped on the Matterhorn rollercoaster at Disneyland. When I unfortunately am forced to sit in an inner seat rather than an aisle seat it’s as if my bladder decided to shrink to the size of a pea. The impending result is either I sit in discomfort until I can no longer wait or constantly get up while also annoying the people sitting in my same row next to me. I can’t help but think as I pass by saying “Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Thank you..” should I be giving them the crotch or the ass; i.e. should I put my ass in their face as I scurry by or should I put my crotch in their face; for me I think it just depends on how cute the girl is I am passing by through the aisle.

There are a number of things that annoy us in these settings like crying babies, people talking too loud, late arrivers, and fat people who take over your armrest and should technically pay for two seats… This has led me to realize that if it annoys me that much then there must be a pattern to which I now call The RULE OF ARENA STYLE SEATING.

The RULE OF ARENA STYLE SEATING states: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance/game is over. The folks in the aisle seats are very surly; they come early, never move once, have long legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance/game well after everyone has left.